Category Archives: MEDICAL – DEATH

LAUGHING

God doesn’t take people while they’re laughing. I told my husband, I’m not gonna die that easy. You can just quit worrying about it. But he can’t. He’s a serious person. He worries. Lucky for him he married a joker. We gotta laugh. We gotta laugh so we don’t cry, right?

He sat in the patient chair while I changed clothes for the procedure and when I sat back down the chair was so warm it was just crazy. So I told him, I said dang baby you sure have a hot ass, because this chair is crazy warm. He got all embarrassed and said for heaven’s sake, honey, keep your voice down! People can understand us! And I told him, they already know! They’ve got eyes, babe! Hahaha!

But the even funnier thing is it turns out these chairs have heaters. You know, like the seats in a new car? So the chair was actually heated with electricity. But I thought he had heated it for me himself with his body heat, and I was so impressed. Live and learn. You just don’t know. You don’t know a lot of things, and you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Nobody does. Not even the almighty docs.

Did you know I was hospitalized for a couple weeks at the end of last year? Yeah, they pretty much gave me up. They said a bunch of things about the cancer and how aggressive it is and bla, bla, bla. One guy actually came in without an interpreter and he was like, don’t you want to go home and die comfortably? And I was like oh, hell, no! Are you kidding me? I don’t want to die at all. But if you yourself want to go home and die comfortably, I won’t be the one to stop you. That shut him up. He left the room pretty quick. Got him!

I think that must have been a student or maybe a social worker, I don’t know. Maybe he was in the wrong room. But I asked the older docs, you know, the gray-hairs, and they said they give me 6 to 12 months to live and that’s it. And I was like, wow, that’s very gracious of you, but you guys actually don’t GIVE anyone life, so get off it and get over yourselves. Jeez. Are you kidding me? Really? How arrogant! “I give you six months!” Haha, no you don’t. God gives ME life. And God gives YOU life. So get over yourselves.

Since I wouldn’t go home and die, and they couldn’t seem to kill me, they finally agreed that they would do another round of chemo and I lost my hair this time which I didn’t last time, so this must be better medicine. Which is good. What doesn’t kill you makes you fatter and I am gaining some weight back now. I don’t feel great but I am still kicking. I am looking forward to today’s test results. I have a good feeling about it.

I believe in miracles. I believe in life. I think if I was gonna die soon, I would feel it coming, like labor pains, right? Your body would give you some warning. I am not feeling it. I am not ready. I feel sure that God in His mercy would at least give me some dreams or signs. Would God really just kill me out of the blue? If so, then why give me a husband and kids, if I couldn’t see them through? I don’t believe in that. That’s why I keep fighting, and keep up my cheer.

I wish my husband would quit worrying about losing me. I told him, have you ever seen somebody that was really dying who was so cheerful? Have you seen someone really dying who is laughing and joking, and enjoying life, like I am? Do you think God is going to come take me in the middle of a laugh, in the middle of a good story, with my kids on my lap and you right next to us? No. God isn’t like that, babe, I told him. God doesn’t take people while they’re laughing. He isn’t that cruel. Maybe the devil does, but I’m not his customer. So let’s not worry. And may God’s will be done.

LET ME GO

When the social worker in the cancer service said she wanted a meeting with me, I figured it was about getting more vouchers for parking. Instead, she whipped out this pile of papers and told me straight up, it is time to plan for your funeral. My family was muttering, what the hell! Is she crazy? That was on Friday. All day Saturday, I cursed her and sent her to the devil. But by Sunday, I thought, you know, she’s right.

We all have to go some time. We all have to die of something. The forms had options for having a burial or getting burned, and I was really worried about getting burned, just in case I could still feel it and thinking about how bad it would hurt. And then when my auntie tried to send her husband’s ashes home, and there are all these rules for human remains, and it cost a fortune.  So it wasn’t more convenient that a regular coffin, it seems like.

But then there was a section that says you can have your body burned, you know, cremated, and then they make it into a glass heart instead of just giving you an urn with ashes in it. The ashes themselves are used to make the heart, you see? And I was thinking, nobody is going to stop my daughter if she happens to travel to my home country and has a glass heart in her suitcase. They are not gonna know that it is me.

Of course I mean my body. Because I want my spirit to fly free. I have told my family, don’t try and hold me back. I’m gonna be so ticked off if you try to keep me here.  I am really worried about it, because we have all these things our people do to trap a departing spirit, like burying the loved one’s cross in the yard, and other rituals.  But I don’t think a glass heart could hold me back.  I don’t think it would trap me here.  I don’t want to be caught between worlds.

Yeah, they don’t like me to talk about it like this, I understand.  And hey, of course it’s harder for the ones left behind.  I know. I lost my own mom when I was just eleven years old. But like I told them, I’ll see you on the other side. I’ll be waiting for you there. But like it or not, you have to let me go.  So I am thinking of the glass heart, and if it breaks, oh, well.  At least it was lovely for a while.  That’s all we can ask, right?