Can you tell the judge that I don’t usually drink but my cousin came up from California.  And maybe you can explain to the judge, I hadn’t seen him in four years!

I know I don’t have a drinking problem because I didn’t drink for eight years.  I don’t know why I got the idea to drink again.  It was a bad idea.  Yes, I had a DUI before, but you see, I did treatment then.  That’s how I know I don’t have a drinking problem.

What?  A DUI?  Whoa.  The cops never told me that!  At least I don’t remember.  I thought they pulled me over because I was driving at night without my headlights on, have a suspended license, and there was no ignition interlock device on the car I was driving, as required by my other DUI.  Whoa!  Why did they think I was drunk?

Let the judge know it was my birthday and since I knew I was gonna get shitfaced – oops sorry I sad that – I decided I should move the car to a safer place before I was too drunk.  I was actually trying to do the responsible thing because my car was parked in a two-hour zone and I didn’t want to break the law.  So explain that I was just moving the car around to a parking lot and anyway I was a lot drunker later so I was driving pretty sober.  I was doing the responsible thing here.

I was not going to drive at all – I was getting drunk with some coworkers in one of their apartments but then one of their wives got home from work and she was like, everybody out!  This is not a tavern!  She was really mad and so I had to go to my car.  I was just sitting in my car – I was not going to drive, of course.  I mean, I knew I was drunk!  I told the wife that!  But she made me leave anyway.  So I was just going to sleep it off in my car.  What?  Running?  The car was running?  Whoa! I don’t remember that.  You call that Physical Control, and it’s the same punishment as a regular DUI?  That’s weird, because I didn’t have very good physical control when I got arrested.