Can you tell the judge that I don’t usually drink but my cousin came up from California. And maybe you can explain to the judge, I hadn’t seen him in four years!
I know I don’t have a drinking problem because I didn’t drink for eight years. I don’t know why I got the idea to drink again. It was a bad idea. Yes, I had a DUI before, but you see, I did treatment then. That’s how I know I don’t have a drinking problem.
What? A DUI? Whoa. The cops never told me that! At least I don’t remember. I thought they pulled me over because I was driving at night without my headlights on, have a suspended license, and there was no ignition interlock device on the car I was driving, as required by my other DUI. Whoa! Why did they think I was drunk?
Let the judge know it was my birthday and since I knew I was gonna get shitfaced – oops sorry I sad that – I decided I should move the car to a safer place before I was too drunk. I was actually trying to do the responsible thing because my car was parked in a two-hour zone and I didn’t want to break the law. So explain that I was just moving the car around to a parking lot and anyway I was a lot drunker later so I was driving pretty sober. I was doing the responsible thing here.
I was not going to drive at all – I was getting drunk with some coworkers in one of their apartments but then one of their wives got home from work and she was like, everybody out! This is not a tavern! She was really mad and so I had to go to my car. I was just sitting in my car – I was not going to drive, of course. I mean, I knew I was drunk! I told the wife that! But she made me leave anyway. So I was just going to sleep it off in my car. What? Running? The car was running? Whoa! I don’t remember that. You call that Physical Control, and it’s the same punishment as a regular DUI? That’s weird, because I didn’t have very good physical control when I got arrested.