IF SHE LOVES ME

She has started complaining that I am trying to control her, but I’m not.  I just think if she loves me, she should want to please me and keep me happy.  Shouldn’t she want to know what things bother me?  But when I tell her, she just gets irritated instead of trying to change.  It really hurts me that she doesn’t want to change for me.  If she loves me.  I mean, doesn’t she want to make me happy?  I don’t understand her.

She got her own phone, and she has numbers in there and I don’t know who they are.  So okay, I don’t want her to take her phone into the bathroom, but she has.  And I don’t like it.  Because I don’t want her calling someone and not wanting me to hear.  So now I want her to go with the door open.  If she’s not hiding anything, why does that bother her?  Doesn’t she want to make me comfortable?  I let her have a phone!  I don’t think it’s weird that I want to know who she’s calling.  And I don’t think she should talk to people behind my back.

I should be able to read everything she writes, and know who all she is talking to.  Shouldn’t I?  I mean, we’re a couple.  She says I should just trust her, and I told her, sure, I trust you, but I don’t trust men.  Because I know what they’re like.  And someone is going to try and take you away from me.  And I can’t let that happen.  Because I love you.  And if you really love me, you would understand.  And you would want to follow my rules.  And you would tell me everything.  And you wouldn’t try to hide anything from me.  Or have to close the bathroom door.

Sometimes I think she pretends to be asleep when she’s not.  So one night I put on the hall light, and I sat next to the bed on a little stool, and I watched her face.  Her eyes were not moving under the eyelids, and I heard that your eyes move around if you are dreaming, so I thought maybe she was just pretending to be asleep, to avoid me.  So I blew lightly on her face, just a puff of air.  Then she opened her eyes and she screamed and said I had scared her.  But why would it scare her to have me, her own man, just sitting there looking at her?  Why is that scary?  That doesn’t make any sense.  .

I just want her to make me feel safe.  I just want her to reassure me.  It makes me really mad when she acts scared of me.  Why is she scared of me, if she loves me?  If she isn’t doing anything wrong?  Why is she afraid of getting in trouble?  It seems like she is growing colder toward me, but she keeps saying she still loves me and she isn’t going to leave me.   I wish I could get her to tell me the truth.  I wish I could read her mind, and really know what she is thinking.  How she really feels.  I wish I could be sure.  It’s killing me.