Yes, he left me. Because he can’t handle it. Men are weak. Yes, this is my third pregnancy. Both of our other babies died in the womb. They died inside of me. They were old enough to live, close to delivery, but they died anyway. My whole body got itchy and then they died. Both of our babies.
When my husband found out I was pregnant again, instead of helping me, he just moved out. He left. He got really drunk, he took his clothes, and he left. He couldn’t even talk about it. He just left. He never could talk about it. He is weak. He is puny. I disdain him for his weakness.
I tried to tell him. When we lost the first child. And the second one. I tried to tell him, we are still parents. We are not the only ones with dead children. Why can’t you love these dead people? Don’t you love your grandparents? Don’t you love your father, may he rest in peace?
This is how it was for me. I got pregnant. I had my babies with me. I loved them the whole time they were living with me, inside of me, and then when I lost them, I just kept loving them. So what? It’s only natural. I love a lot of people who are dead. Don’t you?
Of course, I want living children. Of course. That is why I am willing to keep trying. They are going to keep a watch on my baby for this whole pregnancy. They are going to do a lot of tests and keep checking. If anything changes, they will just take the baby out. This one can live, they told me.
I am a mother. I am strong. I keep trying. I keep loving. But men are weak. They are egotistical. They only want to love if they get something from it. I told my husband, you cannot love the dead babies because you are too selfish. You only love those who are useful to you. You cannot love without return. Forget about your own pain! Think of what our babies lost – their whole lives! All they can possibly need from us now is our love.
Sometimes I wonder, did the babies die because he could not love them? They didn’t feel welcome, maybe. I just don’t know. But I am going to keep loving my lost babies. And I am talking a lot to this baby. Forget your father, I tell the baby. You have a mother. That is enough. Stay with me.