ON MY PATH

I hope I can get over this. I hope I can get past this. I hope I can figure out – very quickly – what decision to make in this moment with what I know, hoping for the best outcome. And it’s all new, so I don’t know much.

It’s a lot of decision-making and that may be the hardest part. If I let myself think and overthink and ruminate and wonder about each decision: Standard treatment, or experimental? Take a break from chemo when I feel bad, or power through? Try to handle the protein shakes, or get a tube for feedings? Well, if I keep second-guessing what I end up doing, I will pretty much go down a dark hole and I might not get back up. There are no guarantees. How will I live with myself if I die because I made poor decisions? Haha, you know what I mean. I don’t want to have regrets.

So I just pray for the strength and the wisdom to deal with what has been put on my path, and the fortitude to keep going. I appreciate everything this team has done for me, but honestly, when the doctors keep asking me what I think, what I want to do, that’s it’s my decision, I’m kind of like, well, you are the doctors. How should I know?

You don’t have to tell them this, but I basically hem and haw until they end up spitting out or at least hinting what they think is best, then I tell them that is my decision. This informed consent thing, I get it, but it really puts a huge burden upon the patient who is sick and maybe dying and trying to get through the day and is in no shape to make life-and-death decisions. But again, I pray for the strength to get through everything that has been put upon my path, and I guess that includes this whole informed consent thing, haha… so I am okay. I am handling it well, I think.

I would ask you what you think, but then you might turn around and ask me what I think, and then we go around and around…like I do with the doctors. So I will just ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I thank you for your kindness.